In Part I of this blog, we defined what stress is and what it does. In Part II, we will look at some tangible and practical steps which can be taken to better manage the stress.

Many would agree that just being around children can be stressful. But there is also the stress we bring into our parenting (e.g., unresolved hurts of our own, patterns of besetting sin, unhealthy relationships, unforgiveness, insecurity, extreme control needs, etc.). Parents who have successfully addressed the second category of stress (what we bring), will do a much better job in handling the first category.

Here is a potentially difficult, but important question we must all ask ourselves from time-to-time: Is my parenting role/style causing the problems in my life; or, is my parenting role/style revealing the problems in my life? Stress and pressure have a way of squeezing things out of us. The good news is that cause-and-effect dynamics can be improved or resolved and revelation can be used by the Holy Spirit to promote needed adjustments and change. Our role is to have “ears to hear,” “eyes to see,” and a willing and open heart before the Lord.

So, what goes into a good stress prevention or self-care plan? The following are a number of principles you may find helpful in your own journey. Take them and prayerfully develop a personalized approach, tailored to your needs and/or situation. Write the plan down and review it at least once every week. Start by being honest with yourself and be open to what the Holy Spirit is speaking.

1. Learn how to recognize the stress-producing areas in your life requiring attention and take ownership of what needs to be done. “Let us search out and examine our ways, and turn back to the Lord” (Lamentations 3:40). You cannot extinguish a problem until you can first distinguish a problem. Things which remain a secret usually continue to have power over us and may be sources of fear, guilt, and shame. Here is my definition of fear: it is the “darkroom” that develops all our negatives. Fear is a dark place where negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors emerge. The only thing I know of that will stop a developing photograph is light. This is because light penetrates and darkness does not. Ephesians 5:13 says, “But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light.”

2. Learn how to renew your mind. We need to reject the lies of Satan and replace them with the truth of Scripture. It is like taking an antibiotic to fight off an infection. However, the “medicine” will never do us any good unless and until we take it in—so too with God’s Word. The process is like weeding in a garden. If the ground is dry and hard, it can be very difficult to remove the weeds. The Word washes our minds and softens our “heart ground,” thereby allowing God to root out the things in our lives that have become detrimental to spiritual, emotional, and relational health. Paul encourages us in Romans to, “Not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God” (12:2).

3. Learn to depersonalize some of what you do as a parent and limit your time around negative people. Children frequently bring a host of complaints and problems to their parents, where they may not necessarily be encouraged, positive in their outlook, or full of faith in the midst of their angst. This can be draining after a while—remember Jethro’s observation of Moses in the wilderness when he was “wearing himself out” while trying to counsel everyone (Exodus 18). Criticism from a child is a frequent companion of any parent. Parents can become like lightning rods simply because they are in an authority position. This can be especially true if a child has unresolved issues, so it is important to remember that strong negative reactions may not really be about you or your parenting. Philippians 1:8 admonishes us, “Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”

4. Learn to not lose sight of your first love because “you” are not your parenting. Before our identities as husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, or any number of other roles, we are first and foremost, the adopted sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. We must not allow our “parenting” to become the “mistress” in our walk with God because it’s like chasing the wind and a formula for discouragement and burnout. When Jesus prayed in selecting His Apostles, the Scripture says, “He appointed twelve, that they might be with Him and that He might send them out to preach, and to have power to heal sicknesses and to cast out demons” (Mark 3:14-15). It is a blessing and privilege to be given opportunities to preach the Gospel, move in the miraculous, and engage in frontline spiritual warfare (all the purview of parenting from time to time), but this is not the first reason God has called or appointed us either. It is so you and I, “might be with Him,” our first love.

5. Learn to rest because the nature of God has much to do with rest. Rest, true God-given rest, does not automatically imply inactivity, but trust and dependency. God has so ordained our bodies that about every sixteen hours, they need to shut down for a while. If you live to a normal life expectancy, you will sleep approximately 25 years of that life. Speaker/author Steven Covey tells a story about two men who chopped wood side-by-side all day together. One man stopped every hour and rested, while the other worked straight through the day. When they finished, the man who rested actually chopped more wood. Why? Because when he stopped, he also sharpened his axe. Resting allows us to stay sharp. We sharpen our physical axes, our emotional and relational axes, and especially our spiritual axes. “If the axe is dull and he does not sharpen its edge, then he must exert more strength” (Ecclesiastes 10:10).

6. Learn to be silent and learn to be still. What is it about parenting that often compels us to try and accomplish more than Jesus did? I cannot imagine anyone busier and more in demand than Christ was during His life on the earth. Yet, He clearly understood the value of being alone with the Father. Luke records this for us, “However, the report went around concerning Him all the more; and great multitudes came together to hear, and to be healed by Him of their infirmities. So He Himself often withdrew into the wilderness and prayed” (5:15-16). The busier we are as parents, the more we need to strategically withdraw, wait on the Lord, and allow the Holy Spirit to “renew our strength so that we can mount up with wings like eagles, run and not be weary, walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31).

7. Learn to give your burdens to God each day. We were not designed to be pack mules. We are sheep. The only burden sheep carry is their wool and they lose that twice a year. In Matthew 11, Jesus admonishes us by saying, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (vs. 28-30). In Williamsburg, Virginia, where I have lived, there are a pair of oxen that pull a cart throughout the streets. Usually, one ox is a wise, seasoned animal and the other is new, young and untrained. Whenever a new ox is brought in, a special training yoke is used. The neck hole for the wise seasoned old ox fits his neck almost perfectly, but the yoke for the young ox is much larger. The reason—the young ox is not supposed to feel the burden of the cart, but only learn what it means to walk alongside the other. It is an easier yoke. Jesus told us His yoke is easy. Yet, it remains a yoke, which means we cannot simply go anywhere we choose. However, God does want us to learn to walk alongside Him. If you are constantly feeling the burden of the parenting yoke, it may mean you are in the lead and not the Lord.

8. Learn to triage your daily and life events. Emergency personnel have been trained to come into a situation, assess the genuine priorities, and begin making decisions regarding the most critical things first. Sometimes, it can literally make the difference between life and death. The same is true in parenting. Spiritual triage—discerning what God is doing in the moment, having the wisdom to know how to respond, and being led by the Holy Spirit—is a critical, stress-reducing parenting skill. Not everything that is important is necessarily urgent and not everything that is urgent is necessarily important. David cried out to God saying, “Show me Your ways, O Lord; Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day” (Psalm 25:4-5).

9. Learn to resolve those things that can be attended to easily and quickly. I frequently talk with parents who spend 90% of their time, energy, and resources on the 10% they may be able to do very little about. Reversing those numbers could help immensely in how we go about our days. Have you ever had a pebble in your shoe? A splinter? An eyelash in your eye? These are not life threatening events, but they can be extremely irritating and distracting nonetheless. A simple adjustment (i.e., taking the shoe off and shaking it out) can provide immediate relief. Ask God to show you the things in your life that represent pebbles, splinters, and eyelashes, and with a little attention, you might experience relief and even freedom—in other words the, “little foxes that spoil the vine” (Song of Solomon 2:15). Perhaps it means getting at least one more hour of sleep each night, or actually taking a day off and relaxing. It could be any number of minor adjustments having significant payoffs. We only have to be off course by a little to miss the destination by a lot.

10. Learn to manage you time by saying “No,” or your time will control you. Time does not manage us; it tends to take over. We must be active—and at times determined—in our self-examination, and intentional in correction when it comes to this issue. Do we simply need to be needed or are other factors involved? I have learned than cemeteries are full of indispensable people. The fact of the matter is that life usually goes on with or without us. Parents too often move their spouses and their own self-care out of their schedules when something else comes up and crowds the calendar. We rationalize that we will make it up later and yet, we never seem to have the time. Learning how to set reasonable and appropriate boundaries are essential to good health and well-being.

11. Maintain a healthy foundation of sleep, diet and exercise in your daily routine. Caffeine is the most abused stimulant in the United States and when combined with the adrenaline-fueled lifestyle many of us experience, the impact can have a number of negative consequences. Basically, we sleep in 90-minute cycles. The first 60 minutes or so of each cycle is when the body repairs itself at the cellular level. The last 20-30 minutes of the cycle is when the brain/mind attempts to de-clutter and restore. This is the Rapid Eye Movement (REM) or dream cycle portion associated with sleep. Most of us need around five sleep cycles per night and if we are resting properly, the REM sleep should lengthen with each cycle. Caffeine acts like a Central Nervous System (CNS) stimulant and has approximately, a seven-hour half-cycle. This means that seven hours after consuming caffeine, 50% of the effect of the stimulant is still impacting your body and brain. Studies have shown that 300 mg. of caffeine (2-4 cups of coffee; 1-2 espressos; a combination of soda, coffee and chocolate; etc.) can significantly disrupt the sleep cycle depending on when it is consumed during the day (as much as 50% when the body is trying to restore itself and as much as 70% of the REM cycle). Unfortunately, the effects of sleep loss are cumulative (a “foggy” brain, worsened vision, impaired driving, short-term memory problems, obesity, and even heart disease). A 2005 survey by the National Sleep Foundation concluded that the average person sleeps about 6.9 hours a night, but the body/mind requires closer to eight hours for most people. This means the average person loses almost an entire night’s sleep (seven hours) on a weekly basis. We have approximately one week to make up the sleep deficit and then whatever impact occurs is likely to be present and deteriorating over time.

12. Learn the value of authentic relationship and find one or two key people in your life to be accountable to. Someone once told me that accountability was the “breakfast of champions,” but that too many people skipped the most important meal of the day.

Isolation and the lack of accountability is, in my opinion, the primary strategy that Satan uses to take down any parent—“walking about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8). Whenever we are alone (in reality or perception) and cut off from supportive relationships, we are the most vulnerable. We do not necessarily need more “yes” men and women. Most of us already have our share of them—good people, prayer warriors, faithful, and loyal to be sure—but we also need “truth-tellers” in our lives. These are individuals who also love us, are safe, and we can count on them to give honest, direct, and transparent feedback. However, we must give these individuals permission and an open invitation to do so. The spiritual landscape is littered with individuals who have failed to embrace this truth. Look at the foresight of the wisest man who lived. In 1 Kings 4:1-19, we see a wide-ranging list of Solomon’s officials (priests, scribes, recorders, military commanders, projects managers, governors, and the like). Yet, imbedded in this list, is a priest named Zabud, who is also described as the “King’s friend” (vs. 5, NASB). Here was Solomon, apparently with the wisdom to have at least one person on his staff who also served in the capacity of friend. Who is your Zabud? If you do not have one, may I encourage you to find one? Better yet, consider being a Zabud to another parent.

Christian parenting is a high and sacred calling—to humbly, yet transparently represent Christ as His ambassadors to our children who represent the next generation. In order to, “run with endurance the race that is set before us” (Hebrews 12:1), we must be deliberate when it comes to our own self-care. Only then can we put on the compassion of Christ and consistently manifest His grace, truth, and love to our sons and daughters. May you have true joy in the journey.

Counselors, social workers, doctors, nurses, teachers, pastors and many others who work in care-oriented professions are often thought of as being compassionate people, and among those who readily identify with the compassion of Christ. What about parents? They also feel and experience the call to compassion when it comes to raising their children.

Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary defines the term compassion as a, “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress, together with a desire to alleviate it.” It comes from the Latin word, compat, which means to “suffer with.” Much of the research on this subject underscores the critical importance of helping relationships, and parents are frequently in close proximity to the emotional turmoil and resulting grief of their children. Herein lies both a potential problem (increased stress and burnout), as well as a wonderful opportunity (to faithfully steward what God has entrusted for eternity’s sake).

How do parents sustain joy along the way? When the unexplainable, the unpredictable, or traumatic event takes place, theological rulebooks are often inadequate when a response of compassion is required. There are day-to-day issues parenting brings that require our guidance and help. Sometimes, the impact and sheer level of distress confronting us can overwhelm even the most capable and mature parents. A primary challenge for parents is the simple reality that self-care is something we tend to focus on when it pertains to our kids, but not necessarily when it comes to looking in the mirror at ourselves. A question to be asked is, “Not only how do we finish the race God has ordained for us, but how do we finish well?”

The Lord gave me a helpful life lesson a number of years ago while flying overseas to speak with nearly a thousand pastors on, of all things, stress and burnout. It had been a particularly chaotic and harried week leading up to my departure. On top of that, making difficult connections in multiple airports due to weather conditions was not what I had in mind. When I finally boarded my last international flight, I managed to buy a newspaper and was ready to sit down and relax. If you travel frequently as I do, you may tend to politely ignore the flight crew as they go over airplane rules, seatbelts, emergency exits, and the like.

Here I was perfectly content in “tuning out” when the voice of the stewardess came across the loudspeaker and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I know many of you have already had a long day and that you are tired, but if you would be so kind as to set aside your reading materials and give us your attention for a few brief moments, we would like to cover some important safety information with you.”

This at least prompted me to pull the corner of the newspaper back a few inches and glance up into the aisle. To my surprise, there was a flight attendant standing just a few feet away smiling at me with that “look.” Here I was going to teach on stress and I was swimming in it at the moment. Of course, I put down the paper, sighed, and smiled back.

In the middle of the preflight announcements, I heard the following—which I have heard many times before, but am not always “listening.”

“If we should experience the sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling above you. If you are traveling with small children, please put the mask on yourself first and then assist the child.” The Holy Spirit immediately began to stir me regarding this profound truth. Why should parents put on their masks first? One would tend to think it would be more humane, loving, and compassionate to help the child first. However, because children are typically more vulnerable and less able to take care of themselves in the moment, then the most responsible course of action is for parents to make sure they are in a position to help and facilitate care. To do that, they need to be stable and breathing in the oxygen themselves.

As our children bring their hurts or deal with a crisis, they are simply less mature and don’t have the requisite life experience. Therefore, they tend to be less mobile, less resourced, more incapacitated and anxious, and perhaps less able to discern the voice of the Lord at the moment than we are. If we want to ensure we are “available” to the Lord and to them, we must take care of ourselves first—appropriately and in a balanced way—or we risk becoming ineffective and, at times, even a hindrance to what God may be trying to accomplish.

When you made the decision to become a parent, you probably expected to be successful. Most people do not feel passionately called by God to something only to fail. One common distortion is that many of us define success primarily by quantitative measures (e.g., how much my children accomplish) and not by qualitative measures such as those that make a difference in a child’s life by helping him or her become more Christ like. There can be a strong temptation to develop a comparative mindset. We can set increasingly unrealistic standards that have less to do with trusting God and walking in faith, and more to do with how we compare to the parents or families next to us. If we evaluated Christ using this paradigm as a sole criterion, some might deem His ministry to have been an abject failure.

Few other roles have such a broad range of “high expectation” demands. Here is an important principle when it comes to parenting: the individual expectations placed on us by our children might be legitimate, but the composite expectations can be all encompassing and at times destructive. It may feel nice to be affirmed by our kids, friends, peers, external family members, etc., but we cannot allow this to become our primary motivation or define our sense of identity. Otherwise, in seeking the applause of men, we may allow others to determine our calling and purpose as moms and dads.

Paul identified himself to the Corinthians as a “bondservant,” but note it was for “Jesus’ sake” (2 Corinthians 4:5). In other words, he was certainly there to serve the church—not primarily for their sakes, but for and to his Lord. If we do not recognize this dynamic, it will catch us off guard and we may accept the false narrative that we are not allowed to fail, hurt, or in essence, be human. The result can be a crisis of faith at both a personal level and within the parental role, because we have either not learned how to set reasonable boundaries with our children or we choose not to. The truth is that if we become over responsible for our children’s well-being, we become exhausted and they will never learn or grow. In time, we may become more desperate for relief.

In my work with parents over the years, I have found several common outcomes that are frequently set into motion once they realize they may not be able to live up to the unrealistic expectations set by themselves or others:

1. Developing a preoccupation with stress-producing people or situations. We remain in the intensity of the stress-filled environment and seek after adrenaline experiences—always moving, always busy, with the appearance of human doings rather than human beings.

2. Indulging in escape behaviors. For many of the same reasons others are—we are tired of being discouraged, lonely, or in pain and our chosen path is a way to “self-medicate” via certain substances or behaviors, although usually in an unhealthy manner.

3. Avoiding intimate relationships with one’s spouse or close friends and substituting fantasy over reality. True relational intimacy requires time and effort and when we are emotionally, physically and spiritually drained, we are less able to make the necessary investment. Sexual addiction, for example, is now a worldwide epidemic. It can be tempting to engage an image on a computer screen, because it is easy, there is an immediate emotional/physical reward, and there is little risk of failing or being rejected by that image.

4. Seeking to control everything and everyone as a means of coping. Many times, control is a survival tool that is embraced rather than a characterological disorder. If we come to believe we are powerless, perhaps from being repeatedly hurt and disappointed, a false conclusion is that if we can simply control our environments and the people in them, we will somehow be safer. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, as most children do not respond well to excessive control.

5. Justifying actions by blaming other things and/or other people. Blame shifting is an attempt, albeit with unintended negative consequences, to avoid responsibility and accountability. If we can make the issue(s) primarily about someone or something else, then we can more easily separate ourselves from the emotional and practical aftermath.

6. Choosing to simply quit or leave the marriage/family. The enemy of our souls would like nothing better than to see us fail and give up. Sadly, the Body of Christ too often “shoots its own wounded,” and this grieves the Holy Spirit deeply.

So, what are the consequences of stress overload? Dr. Hans Selye, a Canadian endocrinologist who is considered the “father” of stress research, began to define the phenomenon during the mid-1930’s in terms of what he called the General Adaptation Syndrome. The normal pattern is for the body to cycle through a three-step process: alarm, resistance, and exhaustion. He went on to define stress as the “non-specific response of the body to any demand.”1 Think about that statement for a moment. The implication here is that almost any demand placed on the body (including the mind, emotions and spirit), has the potential to create a stress response.

Stress can have both a psychosocial (within the environment) and a biogenic (within the body) orientation. Eustress, which is a normal part of every-day-life, is necessary for keeping us alert and active. It enables us to be productive, creative, and assists with decision-making activities. However, a chronically high level of stress becomes distress and results in a rapidly downward spiral for day-to-day functioning. The two primary stress hormones that begin this process are adrenaline and cortisol.

The stress cycle starts in the brain. When a stressor is detected as a threat, the amygdala, hypothalamus, and pituitary glands trigger the fight-or-flight stress response. The sympathetic nervous system activates several different physical responses to mobilize for action. The adrenal glands increase the output of adrenaline (also called epinephrine), cortisol and other glucocorticoids, which tightens and contracts the muscles and sharpens the senses. Five main systems respond to stress and can be compromised by prolonged stress: the cardiovascular system, immune system, nervous system, endocrine or glandular system, and metabolic system. The body also forms free radicals that are associated with degenerative diseases, illnesses, and an acceleration of the aging process.2

While the fight-or-flight (and sometimes the freeze) response is instinctive, it tends to compromise rational and balanced thinking. This is because adrenaline signals the body to move blood out of the brain and into the major muscle groups where it may be needed more (to prompt swift action and/or reaction). What happens is that a small gland called the amygdala, hijacks the messages from the neocortex (the thinking part of the brain), directs them into the limbic system (the feeling part of the brain) and makes calm responses vastly more difficult—think of road rage when someone cuts you off in traffic after an already demanding day at the office. As you contemplate the myriad of situations, decisions, and stressors most parents constantly face, is it any wonder that making wise, healthy, and balanced decisions can become a challenge after one’s resources (emotionally, cognitively, physically, and spiritually) are pushed to their very limits?

When excessive amounts of adrenaline and cortisol enter the bloodstream, the cumulative effects over time can be harmful. These include:

• a narrowing of the capillaries and other blood vessels leading into and out of the heart

• a decrease in the flexibility and dilation properties of blood vessels and their linings

• a decrease in the body’s ability to flush harmful (LDL) cholesterol out of its system

• an increase in the overall production of blood cholesterol

• an increase in the blood’s tendency to clot

• an increase in deposits of plaque on arterial walls

Although the research is still emerging, there is some evidence increased cortisol levels result in unwanted weight gain and the accumulation of fat cells around one’s midsection. This is why a number of dietary and weight control supplements currently available are designed to reduce these levels (e.g., CortiSlim, CortiStress, Cortistat-PS, Cort-Aid, etc.). According to the American Institute on Stress, 80-90% of all doctor’s visits today are stress-related.3 The American Heart Association further states that more than 50 million Americans suffer from high blood pressure and nearly 60 million suffer from some form of cardiovascular disease, resulting in over one million deaths each year (two out of every five who die—one every 32 seconds).4

Heart disease has been the leading cause of death each year since 1900 and crosses all racial, gender, socioeconomic, and age barriers. Finally, the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services recently reported 25% of all prescriptions written in the United States are for tranquilizers, sleep aides, antidepressants, and anti-anxiety medication.5

We have seen that parents are not only susceptible to increased levels of stress, but when combined with a call to love and serve their families, this can result in what is commonly referred to as compassion fatigue. Compassion fatigue is defined as a comprehensive exhaustion that takes place over time when one is constantly in the “giving” position and as a result, the person loses his or her ability and motivation to experience joy, satisfaction, or to feel and care for others.6Parents (especially single parents) frequently join the ranks of other caregivers in being among the most vulnerable of groups in this regard. It is sometimes referred to as secondary or vicarious traumatic stress associated with the emotional residue related to the cause of caring.

In order to address and manage the stress that comes with even normal parenting, mothers and fathers must be intentional and proactive in developing a comprehensive stress prevention plan. Part II of this series will explore the process further.

You don’t have to spend huge amounts of money to have a meaningful family life. Children love the most simple, repetitive kinds of activities.

They want to be read the same stories hundreds of times and hear the same jokes long after they’ve heard the punch lines. These interactions with parents are often more fun than expensive toys or special events. A friend of mine once asked his grown children what they remembered most fondly from their childhood. Was it the vacations they took together or the trips to Disney World or the zoo? No, they told him. It was when he would get on the floor and wrestle with the four of them. They would gang-tackle the “old man” and laugh until their sides hurt. That’s the way children think. The most meaningful activities within families are often those that focus on that which is spontaneous and personal.

This is why you can’t buy your way out of parenting responsibilities, though many have tried. Busy and exhausted mothers and fathers, especially those who are affluent, sometimes attempt to pay off their deprived kids with toys, cars, and expensive experiences. It rarely works. What boys and girls want most is time spent with their parents—building things in the garage or singing in the car or hiking to an old fishing pond. No toy, to be played with alone, can ever compete with the enjoyment of such moments. And those moments will be remembered for a lifetime.

From the book Dr. Dobson’s Handbook of Family Advice.  Request your copy today, HERE.